On Saturday, July 19, 2025, we held a memorial service for my mother who died in June at the age of 90. The following is the eulogy that I gave during the service with a few minor edits for clarity:

This may come as a shock to you, but parents were not ones to approach life from a touchy-feely perspective. Life was binary. The choice was always between right and wrong, black and white, good and bad. There was no gray.

As an adult, I wondered why we never talked about anything in my family when I was growing up. Things happened and there was no explanation or dialog about how to process it all. Stuff got swept under the carpet all the time. This confused me and, in some ways, made growing up harder than it needed to be. As a result, I learned to not ask questions. To do so was pointless.

But on the positive side, I learned to keep going despite the lack of understanding and make the best of it. For that I am grateful.

My mom was a perfectionist. She also held my sister and me to the same high standard to which she held herself. I can remember more than once being the target of her “stink eye” which let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I was not measuring up at that moment. While it was hard at the time, and I often felt that I would never “measure up,” I can now see how I learned self control that served me well later in life. For that I am grateful.

For me, it is hard to separate my parents as to how they interacted with me because they functioned as a unit. But as I have gotten older, and hopefully wiser, I reminded myself that my parents had a few challenges in common that shaped our household dynamics:

1. My parents were born during the Great Depression of the 30’s. Their life began when things were tough for everyone. I am reminded of the John Wayne line, “Life is tough, and it’s even tougher when you’re stupid.” They learned to just get over it and keep going when life seemed unfair.
2. They both were children of trauma. My Grandfather, Robert Henry McIntyre, died when my dad was 7 and my grandmother never remarried. Therefore, my dad grew up without a father. My mom grew up in a household marked by relational chaos and instability. But she did what she could and tried her best to take care of the younger siblings.
3. They both came to faith in Jesus in a church system that often lost sight of God’s grace and pressured congregants to appear to conform to an ideal that was impossible to meet. I believe they spent a lifetime recovering from the damage that a harsh, legalistic system imposed on them.

My mom persevered despite the challenges that life brought her. I now realize that she taught me gritty toughness when things are hard. For that I am grateful.

To support our family, my mom had to work outside the home. Yet she would still do all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning to keep the household running. I learned a lot about time management from watching my mother. For that I am grateful.

My parents had me in church at an early age, and even though there was little grace and much inconsistency in the church environment of my youth, there was a foundation laid that set me on the right course. I came into relationship with Jesus at at the age of five, and while I have had periods of questioning and uncertainty, I never walked away from my faith. For that I am grateful.

Another realization that has come to me as an adult is that the the legalism in the churches of my youth forced me to face the need for an increasingly radical application of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to my own life. I learned to receive grace from God and to give grace to others who also struggle to “work out their salvation” as the Apostle Paul puts it. For that I am grateful.

On that basis, I now realize that my parents were works in progress throughout their lives. And I am encouraged by what Paul wrote in Philippians 1:6, a verse that I now claim for myself, my wife, my children, and my grand children,

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6, NASB 95)

Looking back on my growing up, which Philippians 1:6 gives me confidence that it will someday be complete, I can now see how God has used both the good things and the hard things to teach me lessons I need to learn. God is using them to conform me more and more into the person I was designed to be. For that I am grateful.

In conclusion, while my mom was not a perfect mom, I can say that she sought to do what was right and I am confident that she has been greeted by her savior with the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Thank You.

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