My guess is that everyone has someone in their life that is difficult to tolerate. It could be the relative who feels free to offer criticism and judgment. It could be the boss who never is satisfied with your work. It could be a member of the church who wants to be involved (and in charge) of just about everything. We cannot help but have toxic people in our lives.
While it is important to put up healthy boundaries, and limit your exposure to these toxic people, it is unlikely that you can avoid them entirely. What then are we to do? Jesus gives us some advice on this when he said:
“”But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” (Luke 6:27–28, ESV)
We are to love them.
Notice that there are no qualifiers. No statement to love them if . . .
We are to love them and pray for them.
In the parallel passage in Matthew 5, we are told to pray for those who persecute us. The King James Version uses the words “despitefully use” instead of abuse. These are people who cannot be trusted to do well for us. These are people who cause harm.
The idea is that we are to pray for them and love them even though they are toxic and difficult.
The human response is to avoid or confront depending on your personality. Either response may be legitimate.
Jesus’ tells us that we should be “shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves.” From this I conclude that we need to be wise in how much we are exposed to these people. Also, since we are called to speak the truth in love, there may be times where it appropriate to confront the toxic person on his/her toxicity.
But our love and prayer must be overarching any response we have that confronts or avoids. We mus seek God in prayer for an appropriate response while interceding in prayer on behalf of the toxic person.
I’ve struggled to do this well. How about you?
SaraLaraneSavel Thanks for the challenge to be careful about labeling people as toxic. I used the word in this post primarily because I’ve heard the phrase “toxic people” bandied about lately and wanted to explore what Scripture says about dealing with difficult people.
It is not a word that I typically use and perhaps I should have added that caveat at the beginning of the post.
I really dislike the term “toxic person” for difficult people for a few reasons. First, the word toxic means poisonous or deadly. Are we really saying this about a Child of God? I can get behind terms like unhealthy behavior or sin but to call someone’s being and core toxic is the opposite of charity and Christlike behavior.
Second, it lumps people’s negative personal behaviors in with evil actions. Yes, your friend might be a wet blanket but are they really as deadly and evil as ISIS? Is great aunt Martha’s critical comments about your housework the same as ongoing verbal abuse by your husband? Someone called you out on your behavior? How toxic! Got cut off in traffic? That’s a toxic person! Beheaded a journalist? Toxic!
Third, when did the Church become a hotel for saints? I keep seeing Christians talking about cutting so called toxic people from their ministries and churches. Yes, what a beautiful example of love. If you complain too much, are too needy, are too judgmental, are too critical of the choir..out you go!
The opposite side of the coin are the people who pridefully pat themselves on the back for dealing with difficult people. They will smile to the person’s face and then turn around and gossip about the “toxic person.” Pretending to be kind but having hate in your heart is not charity. Saying stuff like “I want to punch you in the face but I’m a good person so I just act nice,” is not nice. You still want to punch someone in the face for being…a flawed human being who falls short of the glory of God….kind of like yourself.
With all that in mind, it was refreshing to come across your blog post that talks about loving difficult people. After all, we are all screwed up and difficult, but Jesus loves us.
@Revelations in Writing You’re welcome. Thanks for the feedback.
shoeshineboy09 Yes, it is hard to make disciples if we never go out among those who need Jesus.
yes, such a good message – important one – and yet I struggle with it as well….but I think that it is not that I struggle with it that is bad…but that I am willing to struggle with it as long as I am in this world….and not willing to just stay in my house so as to make life easier for me….
Timely topic. Thank you.