One of the lessons to be learned from reading the book of Job is that we should be very careful when counseling someone who is going through a difficulty. Job’s friends felt compelled to give advice to Job which ended up being not very helpful.
I have noticed in Christian circles that there is a subtle pressure to have the correct Bible verse or the perfect prayer for any situation that one encounters. Too often we function as if quoting a verse or offering a prayer will magically wipe away the difficulty.
God is gracious and sometimes does intervene in spectacular ways, but we must remember that it is God that does the work of changing the situation. Our prayer is an intermediate cause at best.
Job’s friends offered Job some measure of truth in what they said, but missed the larger issue.The friends were blinded by their presuppositions about the situation and did not stop long enough to reflect on what Job was saying before they bombarded him with nonsense.
James tells us that we should be quick to hear and slow to speak. A long time ago I was told that I have two ears and only one mouth and I should use them proportionally. This means that I should listen twice as much as I speak.
We cannot know the difficulty someone is in without listening. Any assumptions that we make are likely to be wrong, so we should not assume.
Our world has no need of pat answers. No-one, Christian or otherwise, needs to be bombarded with Bible verses in response to a difficulty.
This is not to say that Scripture does not speak to that difficulty, but what is shared must be shared with wisdom and sensitivity, both of which require that the situation be understood before offering a response.
My takeaway from this is that I should not feel pressure to have a perfect response in every situation. I sometimes struggle to understand my own context and should have no delusions that I am able to fully understand someone else’s situation.
Be real. Be sensitive. But be wise.
Sometimes the best thing to say to a friend is nothing at all.
Paul Montoya says
March 8, 2016 at 11:02 PMHi Mark, I truly enjoyed the devotion on Job and how we sometimes end up with miserable comforters. I’ve been in that position many times and you just want to walk away from their counsel. The only one thing that bothered me regarding your devotion is this. There is a very good reason for giving scripture in these situations. That is what the Bible tells we should do. Comfort one another with these words. We know the word of God is quick and powerful….. but the spirit we share God’s word in as well as the motive, which should all be spoken with love and compassion, is extremely important. We don’t want to discount the power of God’s word in any way, but we should be sensitive to His divine leading in these very tough situations so we can be sensitive to those we are sharing with. There are many people that come off as pompous wind bags when they start rattling off scripture, but not many seem to understand the importance of how we use these wordsites and their impact. Many times just listening and bridling your tongue are one of the best ways to help a person along with praying for them.
In HIS Grip, paul montoya
Mark McIntyre says
March 9, 2016 at 4:40 AMWell said! To clarify, I am not trying to suggest that Scripture is of no benefit and should not be used. But it should be used with wisdom and sensitivity to the situation.
Tim says
March 7, 2016 at 12:27 AMGood advice Mark and a hearty “amen.”
It can be hard to know what to say when people are hurting. It may also be hard to know exactly what their state of hurting is. A friend whose husband was recently in the hospital following a difficult surgery was giving me regular updates by text. When he developed complications she texted to tell me he was going to be moved to another unit in the hospital for patients needing more critical care. Having had a lot of personal experience with one of my children being in critical care units, I offered her what I thought was a message of hope noting that by being at that level of care, he would be better monitored and have closer nursing.
Her silence spoke volumes. My response, though accurate, sounded like I was diminishing her fear and pain. I had to reconnect with her pain. She did not want to see the bright side of anything at that moment. She wanted a friend to share her pain and fear. If you try to “fix” people or offer them hope when they are still in acute pain, don’t be surprised if they do not respond with gratitude. In fact they may question both your loyalty and sense of caring.
Job’s friends sitting with him in silence showed him they got it. When they started talking they showed him they didn’t get it. Some times the very best words are just, “I am so sorry. We’re praying for you.”
Mark McIntyre says
March 7, 2016 at 4:24 AMThanks for sharing this story. It is a good reminder to avoid feeling the pressure to fix every situation we encounter.