In some social systems (families in particular) it is customary to participate in triangular communication. I grew up in such a family and have much experience with this ineffective communication style. In my family, this type of communication was the go-to means of passing on information, especially when there was a need to confront an issue.

Triangular communication is where A wants to get a message to B, but rather than talk to B directly, A sends the message through C. Not only is it inefficient, this type of communication tends to be destructive to all parties concerned.

There are several reasons why triangular communication is destructive. Here are some that come to mind:

• When the message is passed through an intermediary, the message may be changed in subtle or significant ways. This adds confusion on top of the hurt that already exists.
• It involves the third party who didn’t need to be in the middle of the dialog. It spreads the hurt to another who should not be involved.
• It is dismissive of the one who is to receive the message. It communicates the message that the recipient is not worth the effort to contact directly.

So this means of communication is not good and should not be practiced between humans.

But on my bike ride this morning, I thought of one instance where triangular communication is beneficial. That is when the third party is God.

It is never a bad plan to bring the issue to God before confronting another human. Here are some reasons why I hold this opinion:

• If my anger is inappropriate or out of proportion to the offense, God understands and allows me to vent my frustration in prayer. The Psalms have many instances of this type of prayer. I have an outlet for my anger and frustration that doesn’t damage my human relationships.
• Only God can change hearts. If the other person is a believer and in relationship with God, I can trust God to convict that person in his own time and in his own way.
• God loves the other person perfectly and he is the only one who can confront in perfect love. No matter how objective I try to be, my confrontation is always tainted with self-interest.

It is a good idea to spend time in prayer before confronting a friend or family member. While praying, it would be beneficial to ask God to reveal any ways that I have contributed to the perceived offense. My guess is that if I pray in this way, when I do finally confront, I will be much closer to having the kind of love that God has when he confronts.

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